So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
