yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
