So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
