I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
