I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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