Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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