I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Text me some of your sweat
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