My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
