She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
