You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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