Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
