shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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