you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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