Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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