Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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