I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
