it was like his penis was on wheels.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
