Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
