Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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