I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
