hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
