I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
