I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
