i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
