whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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