So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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