I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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