I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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