Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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