So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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