Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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