More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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