we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
