I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
