there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
