Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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