do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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