i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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