apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
