We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
