How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
