Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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