I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
