Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
