Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
