im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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