trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
