I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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