Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
