Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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